Wait Loss, No String Theory Attached

If you’re anything like me you probably find yourself starting awake in the middle of the night worrying about String Theory. Poincaré’s Conjecture, mirror symmetry, all those dimensions, nine, seventeen – what’re we up now? Heart stopping stuff. So when I came across this intriguing interview lining my waste basket I couldn’t wait to pass it along:

One hundred years after Einstein’s theory of Relativity we asked a number of prominent scientists to consider the ideas generated, or provoked by his pioneering work. We talked to physicist Anish Kapoor at his Long Island home  home where he reflected on trends beyond Quantum mechanics, String theory and was Einstein’s barber at fault?

 A mathematical prodigy Anish Kapoor was born in Bombay  and received his Ph.D. from Cambridge University at the age of nine, but unfortunately left it on the school bus with his uneatten lunch and some sticky stuff he’d been playing with. Despite his age Kapoor was still young when he recognized that Fermat’s Enigma, that teasing note scribbled in the margin which had puzzled mathematicians for two centuries, was nothing more than an anagram. Enigma was, in fact, Gamine, a saucy little prime number, as  it turned out, whom the aging Fermat had kept hidden from his wife. Upon achieving majority Anish Kapoor came to this country drawn by his love of money.

 “The station is leaving the train, Mr. Einstein.” was one of the jokes going around vaudeville when his theory of relativity first became known.” Kapoor smiled at the thought. “I was reminded of this phenomenon of time while watching the Olympics on the television. Several men ran the hundred-meter race at a speed which did astonish me. Before I could even stir my tea, I am thinking, gracious, time stood still, we are moving in different worlds.”

“At the time I was working on The Curvature of Wasted Time: Lists, why write them, we won’t do them. I am writing down: do the laundry, pick up some lentils, play cricket, write mother. On the surface it appears to represent organization and efficiency. A saving, and hence, a compression of time. However, lifting the corner of the mat revealed a paradox. The very act of listing was an attempt to expand the realm of possibilities. A broader horizon, a more complex  universe. And by not doing them, not only do they remain possibilities, but create opportunity for more things you won’t do either. In other words, not compressing time but expanding time. We call this phenomenon of procrastination Wait Watchers.

This is the curvature of wait gain. For wait loss simply give yourself time to digest this.

Things to do x p²rocrastination   =   p²rolonged hap²p²iness    

      Time to do it                                                 guilt                             

(Here the superscript ² in p² refers to the fact that I cannot get my comp²uter to stop² p²utting these little ²’s after the p².)

“The promise of that equation would not allow me the pleasure of repose until I had brought forth the blossom I perceived within the bud. What has been happening to time and space, we ask, since it got all bent out of shape by Albert Einstein in 1905? In his theory space can shrink and warp, and goodness who knows what else. But what about time? Constantly they are telling us it is constant. I am wondering, by Jove. What about as – time goes by? What about time after time? No time at all, quality time or even face time? You take my point? This is not an easy question I can assure you.

“Let us postulate — sitting before my computer I find that I have email. What a surprise. My friend Phoolendu has kindly sent me a very comical video of a bouncing monkey. And with my iPod, which I have spent hours loading and refining, I can easily make it dance to any tune I wish. So funny. Now, by hooking my cell phone to my laptop I can channel this image through my network to create the bouncing monkey in my toaster. You see? What am I saying? I am saying to myself, where has the whole day gone? Mercy! What has happened to the time?

“Of course the significance of this is not the bouncing monkey in my toaster, risible though it is, but that I have truncated the amount of time in the day. The whole kit and caboodle, from papadam to pretzels has become compressed.

“Was this psychological time? Are these technological innovations, meant to compress time, having the same Wait Loss effect. The intended course of my trajectory was entirely changed by the almost ‘gravitational’ pull of amusing distractions. We say, I lost track of time. Wandering about looking for something long after you have forgotten what it was you were looking for has a similar effect. Ah! I am thinking.

“I am reminded of the stirring of the tea. What is going on here? What is psychological time? Einstein said a good question is worth more than a good answer, so, like the detective Sherlock Holmes, we must ask the question — why did the dog not bark? A negative question is particularly complex and often evades even the most perspicacious research. However, after many months of due diligence it came to my attention that we do not have a dog.

“So how is this psychological time effecting space? Well, naturally, it is taking it very personally, even getting a little irritable. Who among us has not heard “You’re in my space, man.” Well, this may not be far from the truth. String theory is a knotty problem (a physics joke) with multiple dimensions. Golly, how many there are. Can we compound psychological space / time into further dimensions that are already most numerous. What could these dimensions be? If you want to understand the psychological impact of dimensions go into this small closet here. Good. Now close the door and I will stand out here and shout disgraceful epithets about the nature of your character. Pretty soon you are feeling the oppressive nature of dimension.

“Can you hear? Ah! Did you hear that? That is my wife Shameen, she is in another dimension we call the kitchen. She is trying to master the mystery of the Yankee Pot Roast. I think we can tell by the anguished nature of her cry that it is not going so well. We can, perhaps, even infer that her psychological dimension has just become a little more constricted.

“It is okay, you can come out now. What? Oh, the door is stuck? Wait. I am pulling, are you pushing? No, no. Don’t worry it will open. It’s okay, Shameen. The pot roast will be fine. I will help you in moment. No, no, sir. Please don’t bang the door. Not you, Shameen. You are seeing what I mean about dimension? What? Sorry, I cannot hear you. The smoke alarm is very loud. Don’t panic. Please stop kicking the door, sir, I will have it in a jiffy. It is not always easy to move from one dimension to another.”